Video Game Hints, Tricks, and Cheats I think this was originally published on the McSweeney's web site. Andromeda Function: As you explore the Ghost Craft, beware of the red canister. It is filled not with oxygen, but with Pepsi. Boondoggle: Maneuver Jonny Chompers through the portal on the left side of the screen. Before he emerges from the right, push up on the control lever. Jonny will emerge bright green, and will vomit all the Power Dots he’s eaten! Castle of Destiny: In the Chamber of Doom, allow the Ogre of Antawan to eat you whole. While your feet are still visible in his jaws, cast a Spell of Sleep Enemy. A coupon for a free roast beef sandwich from Arby’s will emerge from the coin slot! Christian Soldier: Don’t waste your Power Pamphlets on the punk rocker. Instead, slip them into the Hasidic Jew’s pocket! His beard will disappear, and he’ll change into colorful clothes. Crow V. Squirrel: Cawing at Schoolchildren will make them drop their sandwiches, but Squirrel may steal them. Instead, try eating the Schoolchildren directly. Squirrel scampers at half speed when singed, so use those Cigarette Butts before they stop smoking. To earn extra Shiny Objects, try to lure Squirrel into the path of an oncoming car. D.C. Death March: Never use your flamethrower against the senator with the sunglasses. He’s a booby-trapped robot! Instead, deploy your Lobbying Force to corner him, then rush past, into the Capitol! Gunrunners: When you approach the Cordoba Cartel, the guy with the mustache is a narc. Shoot him for a secret bonus. Librarian: Don’t let the Crazy People reach the How-To section, or they’ll make Molotov Cocktails! Instead, direct them to Self-Help. Old Ladies sent to the rest room will be trapped until the end of the wave. The Child carrying the laptop computer is actually a dwarf—don’t put him in the Children’s Section. Panting Man should also be kept away from children. Lollipop Sal: While the game is in lick mode, make Sal run her bicycle into a tree. Do you see a small pink object lying in the grass? It’s Sal’s tongue! Major League Bowling: When the Lane Selection Screen appears, maneuver your bowler to the far right. You will see a door at the edge of the screen. Hit the bowl button, and the door will open. Behind it is a bar. Drink as long as you wish. Now return to the lanes. Your bowler will fall down each time you approach the ball return! Pizza Pete: When the Japanese Tourists come into the restaurant, do not put sushi on their pizza. Instead, serve them a blob of uncooked dough. They will give Pete a huge tip. Playground Hoops: Play until you “roll over” the score. Your gold jewelry has turned platinum! Revege of Wandering Feargus: The Ring of Insouciance is invisible, but you will know you have it when you hear a voice whisper, “Meat is murder!” Once you have found it, press the hop and fling buttons simultaneously, and a mild shock will be delivered through the joystick. Sammy Standup: Hit the pun button until the audience begins to throw rotten fruit. Now find the apple with the dentures in it, and pick it up. Sammy’s teeth will grow, and he’ll score double for every joke! Shake ‘n’ Bake: Use the griddle scraper sparingly. If you can accumulate six inches of grease by level nineteen, the grill will catch fire, and the words “Eat Me” will appear in the flames. Sheetrocker: If the Painters come before you’ve filled all your Holes, use your Putty Knife to spackle their eyes shut. Remember, do not spackle over the Electrical Outlet, or your Sander will be worthless on level 2. Star Skirmish: When you reach the Mothership, deposit ten dollars in quarters into the machine. Nude dancers will emerge from the Star Destroyers! Spitter: Play the game normally. After ten minutes, Spitter will pass a blue fire hydrant. Lean heavily against the game console, and make Spitter spit on the hydrant. The programmer’s initials will be burned into your forehead. Wiggles: To begin at level 25, reset the game while holding down the kick button. To begin at level 50, rock the machine gently back and forth. To begin at level 100, insert your finger into the coin slot until you feel a small round button. Press it. When the authorities arrive, tell them “The pig’s in the meadow, and wax burns.” There is no level 250. Don’t even bother trying to get there. Zozo: In two-player mode, intentionally throw all your pies into the crowd. A riot will ensue, and the spectators will tear Balloons and Zozo limb from limb! c2002 by J. Robert Lennon.