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Originally published in Lamination Colony and Harper's, 2003. 1 egg = 2 T vegetable oil 1 T prepared mustard = 1 t dry mustard 1 prune = 8 raisins 1 pizza = 12 dollars 1 C Coke = 1 C Pepsi sunrise = sunset 1 wasp = 14 ants 1 hug = 5 handshakes 1 punch in jaw = 8 middle fingers 1 stomach flu = 10 staff meetings completing free coffee card = spying nude neighbor through the window licked by dog = gift of ugly necktie cloud = crow bowling trophy = promotional t-shirt finding a $20 bill on the sidewalk = finding 20 $1 bills on the sidewalk thunderstorm = trick-or-treating car door slammed on fingers = testifying against brother-in-law legalized gambling = africanized killer bees car alarm = painful urination misspelling = untied shoe 2 lawyer jokes = 1 C bread crumbs empty parking lot = dream-within-a-dream shaving = sauteeing pinking shears = parsley tapanade = “Rashamon” bone spur = church pew eleventy-twelve = 122 c2003 by J. Robert Lennon. |