Excerpts from The Collected Unpublished Letters to the Editor of Horace Crutch Oberman (Frondeur Press, 1999) I believe this came out in LitRag in 2001. Executors of H. C. Oberman's estate recently discovered among his papers drafts of the following letters, which have never before been published. Frondeur Press is pleased to bring these documents to the public for the first time. Dear Sir: As you well know, I have not one but two subscriptions to your august publication, one for the upstairs bathroom and one for the downstairs. However, this fact does not give you license to send all renewal notices in duplicate. I dare say that this conspicuous waste is not in keeping with the radical views you so stridently espouse! I assure you, sir, there is but one Horace Crutch Oberman. Desist. Yours H.C.O. * To the Editor: Kaplan Graves' charming review of L. James Conklin's new biography of the playwright Samuel Pingry reminded me of something Pingry once said to me which, you shall agree, brings into sharp focus those qualities we so admire in the great man. In response to an innocent query of mine over dinner (this was during the heady days of "The Messenger of Mount Olive"), Pingry replied, in his famous gruff baritone, "If I'd wanted tartar on that, I would have ordered it, you cretin!" Naturally I brought the playwright more crab cakes! But I believe it is this very directness and economy of language that made Pingry the giant he was. Sincerely, Horace Oberman * Sir: Re: your piece on the films of Nat Campbell: cancel my subscription! Without apology, Horace C. Oberman * Fair Editrix: I have executed to the letter your recipe for Texas Sheet Cake, and I must tell you that the result resembles in no way your heavily doctored photograph, least of all the icing, which in reality has the consistency (to both the mouth and eye!) of coarse sand. Must you exaggerate the scrumptiousness of every comestible, the neatness of every parlor, the brilliance of every floral arrangement? Your readers can only be disappointed when reality fails to conform to your unsullied domestic fantasies. I implore you to adopt a policy of truth in illustration, lest your most loyal followers forsake you. Respectfully, Mr. Horace Oberman * Editors: A tidbit from life, for all students of same. Walking home from the bakery, I encountered a ragged little urchin atop a skateboard, who demanded to know what was that skinny old thing protruding from my bag. The youngster had never encountered a baguette before! Before you know it, we shall have to explain the purpose of properly fitted trousers and hard-soled shoes! In all good humor, Horace Crutch Oberman. * Dear Sir: In response to Ms. Laffley's letter responding to my letter responding to Mr. Broughton's excellent essay: my dear, I have no objection to your organization, nor to its manifesto. But you must understand that when a girl marries, certain things are expected of her! Were I to marry I would of course have the utmost respect for my bride, but remember that respect must be earned! You are to be forgiven, however, for your youth. Ah, had I only the chance to live it again! Affectionately, "Uncle Horace" * To the Editorial Board: I cannot blame you for your rejection of my spirited apologia; we are not all sprung fully formed from the same head! However, I strenuously object to the condition in which you returned it. If there must be beverage rings, do give them a more palatable bouquet. Soft drinks are not my bag. Friend and Contributor, H. C. Oberman * Gentlemen: Your audio anthology is in my cassette player right now. Rapture! Yours H. Oberman * Sirs: Enough! Time and time again I have attempted to impress upon you the information that I am now ensconced in a new facility (Hilltop Cottages F-10, 1 Hilltop Cottage Road, etc., etc.). But you persist in dispatching your delicious little rag to my old address, where it has fallen for months on end into the philistine hands of my ex-landlady! You cannot imagine the harangue I must endure to secure the latest issue! Sirs, I am too old for these shenanigans. Note my change of venue or refund me for the remaining installments. I am loath to transmit such an ultimatum, but you have left me no choice. Mournfully, Horace c2001 by J. Robert Lennon.