Introduction Never published, though I've opened a few readings with this over the years. Good evening, and thank you for attending tonight’s presentation. Before we begin, we would appreciate your cooperation in listening to a few simple guidelines. During the presentation, we ask that you remain silent. If someone in your vicinity is failing to remain silent, we ask that you ask that person to remain silent, but that you do so in a silent manner. To this end, we recommend a slashing motion with the hand across the throat; a finger held before the lips, accompanied by bug-eyes; or a handkerchief and a length of duct tape. If your silencing efforts fail, please notify us by pressing the glowing red button on the underside of your chair. If you must resort to the button, we strongly recommend that you duck. Simultaneous translations of tonight’s presentation will be available in Pig Latin and Rude Gesture. If you would like a transcript, a pen and paper will be given to you before the presentation. If you have a question during the presentation, please raise your hand, and then, humiliated, lower it again thirty seconds later. If you find the speaker’s ideas, mannerisms, word choices, or general demeanor to be offensive to your race, gender, religion, or sexual orientation, join the club. If the speaker gives you the heebie-jeebies, willies, or creeps, remember that he is probably frightened of you, too. Do not feed the speaker. Do not freak the speaker out, piss the speaker off, get the speaker’s goat, yank the speaker’s chain, or harsh the speaker’s mellow. Please refrain from smoking in any manner listed below: • while saying, “I know I ought to quit, but…”; • while wearing a special jacket tailored for the purpose; • through a long ebony cigarette holder, while purring, “At last, you have fallen into my trap”; • while twisting the end of your handlebar mustache and emitting a low chuckle; • while furtively glancing from side to side; • while sitting astride a horse, and surveying, from a hilltop, the small town you are about to destroy; • using the “French inhale”; • using the “French-Canadian inhale”; • while pumping gas; • while passing gas; • while passing out; • or, while passing on. In the event of an emergency, exits can be found in the front and rear, beneath the illuminated signs. To expedite the evacuation process, please allow men and women with attractive behinds to exit first, followed by children, people with disabilities, people with inabilities, people with clever but ultimately useless talents, people with issues, people with tissues, party people, people who gave you a ride here, regular folks, and sickos. To enhance your enjoyment of tonight’s presentation, we recommend that you periodically nod while supporting your chin with your fist, wipe a tear from your eye, laugh hysterically while pounding the table, or whisper to your companion, “That is so true.” If the presentation fails to hold your attention, please occupy yourself by meticulously peeling the label off your beer bottle, by making a little boat out of a cocktail napkin, by giving the speaker the finger underneath your jacket, by fantasizing having sexual relations with the speaker, by having sexual relations with the speaker, by checking your watch every three minutes, by tucking your hair behind your ear, by spelling out the words this sucks with your finger on the leg of your companion, or by imagining yourself receiving an important award. If you remain unengaged by tonight’s presentation, Jesus Christ, you are so cold. We would like to thank our sponsors for this event: the Society for the Perpetuation of Amusing Misconceptions, the local chapter of the Smirkers’ Guild, the League of Shame, the Men’s Appendix to the Ladies’ Auxiliary of the Loyal Order of the Caribou, Persons United for a Better Name, the Schism Alliance, the Schadenfreude Circle, the Weltschmertz Institute, and the Unglückselendzerstörenspaß Club. The sound system has been provided by that guy with the eye patch down at that place. The speaker’s wardrobe is furnished by the speaker’s mom. Crowd scene extras were supplied by Reel Life Casting, Burbank, California. Opinions expressed are not necessarily those of the speaker or his underwriters. They just sort of come out of nowhere, kind of existing in a kind of, I dunno, ether type of thing. Unlicensed reproduction of this presentation is not permitted, though God knows it’ll be all over the Internet in the morning. Thank you for your cooperation. c2002 by J. Robert Lennon.