Dreaming: A Quick Start Guide Previously unpublished. Congratulations, and thank you, for choosing to go to sleep! We are confident that you will derive many hours of enjoyment and rest from your period of repose. To make the most of your dreaming experience, we recommend that you first read this entire manual before closing your eyes. Some users, however, may want to get started right away. If so, please take a few moments to read the following Quick Start Guide. Before Sleep. To prepare for a night of fascinating dreams, we recommend that you first spend the day engaging in diverse and stimulating activities, such as visiting the zoo, getting a flat tire, watching a documentary about Uzbekistan, having sex, or polishing a firearm. These experiences will serve as the “raw materials” for your night of dreaming. At Bedtime. If you wish to have a fight with your spouse, this could be a good time to do it, particularly if it leaves you with feelings of inadequacy, vulnerability, humiliation, or misplaced anger. If such a fight drives you to the sofa, don’t worry! A change in venue can “stir up” fascinating subject matter for your dreams. Be sure to bring a warm blanket, albeit not one that is large enough to cover your feet. Insomnia. Some users may find it difficult to achieve sleep at this stage. If so, we recommend consuming copies quantities of alcohol, enough to sustain intoxication until morning. Such drinking can produce extended and fascinating dreams! (Note: dreams may be interrupted by periodic nausea.) Soporific drugs will also induce sleep, though we do not recommend their use in conjunction with alcohol, unless the user wishes to dream for a protracted period of time. Falling Asleep. As you become increasingly drowsy, take careful note of your thoughts. Have your fears about getting your taxes done transformed themselves into worries about managing a New York Yankees farm club in Argentina? Have your spouse’s thighs turned into high mountain cliffs between which you are flying an explosives-laced hang glider? Is the steering wheel of your car now made of lemon curd? If so, congratulations! You’re dreaming! While Dreaming. Most users will want to sit back and watch their dreams unfold. Users of Dreaming: Deluxe Edition, however, may wish to control the action of their dreams. To fly, spread your arms and lift into the air. Watch the landscape scroll below you as you soar through the sky. Say, is that your sister-in-law down there? What is she doing riding that motorcycle without any clothes on? Look out! She’s driven into a vat of hot paraffin! And the vat is actually a thimble, and you are an ant. Sleepwalking. Some users may become so enmeshed in the action of their dream that they will attempt to act it out in the non-dreaming world. Individual users should use caution. If you are prone to particularly violent or destructive dreams, you may wish to have your spouse, doctor, or guy on the next park bench apply restraints to your arms and legs before you sleep. Non-dangerous sleepwalkers should not be woken; rather they should be led gently back to their beds. However, if your sleepwalking spouse, child, or friend should breathe fire or turn into a giant crow, then it isn’t him or her who is dreaming: it’s you! Waking Up. If your dreams have been frightening, anxious, or embarrassing, you are likely to feel profound relief when you wake. If you have had an exciting or erotically stimulating dream, however, waking is liable to produce disappointment, as you realize that you did not find a wooden chest full of gold doubloons in your attic, win a Nobel Prize, or get it on with your child’s second-grade teacher. Either way, take a deep breath, get out of bed, and gaze out your window onto the real world. (Note: should a Tyrannosaurus Rex who speaks in the voice of Peter Ustinoff lumber by, get back in bed—you’re still asleep!) Troubleshooting Chart. Below are some common dreaming malfunctions, their causes, and possible solutions. No dreams User not sleeping Go to sleep Dreaming only of bedroom ceiling Eyes open Close eyes Always getting killed in dreams Post-traumatic stress disorder See psychologist Dreaming of long line of people waiting to pass through giant gates shrouded in clouds and guarded by man in robe with huge book User dead Pray We hope that your dreaming experience is a positive one. If so, let us know! Send your praise to the helpdesk (see “Contact Us,” page 74). If your experience is negative, take it easy. Go back to sleep, you were having a nightmare. c2009 by J. Robert Lennon.