Darts 'n' Laurels. Originally published in McSweeney's, 2001. LAUREL: From the editors: “We at the Nestor News are grateful to all our readers for once again making our paper the most-read in Lake County, for the fifth year in a row! We also want thank our staff in circulation and marketing for ‘getting it out there,’ and our advertisers for providing our beautiful county with the products and services we love. And finally, thanks to our contributors, whose dedication has made this editorial page the best anywhere. Hats off to you!” LAUREL: From Mrs. Albert King of Penns Falls. “A big thank-you to the anonymous good samaritan who helped me change my flat tire on route 83 last week, after the Garden Society meeting! I had let my AAA membership lapse and was in a real pickle. Mr. Mystery Helper also noticed that my tail lights weren’t working, and spent a good five minutes in the car changing the fuse. It is people like you who make our county great! As a side note, I seem to have lost my purse, house keys and prescription sunglasses somewhere. If any Garden Society members find them, please call!” DART: From Hank Jance of Patient Grove. “Let me scold my brand-new wrought-iron fence for leaping out onto Swayze Road and crashing into an oncoming car, and then wedging itself back into place all bent up and broken. Bad, bad fence! After all the time and money I spent on you, how could you be so irresponsible? And thanks to whichever upstanding generous citizen whose car (a 1978 Volvo, judging from the shards of broken headlight) suffered at the hands of my nasty little twenty-five-hundred-dollar fence, and who didn’t bother to trouble me about my fence’s misdeed. How kind of you, citizen.” LAUREL: From Gabe Klamp of Iron Pole. “To this newspaper, for your wonderful series on death and dying. I have been through many deaths and rebirths and appreciate your attention to the subject. As I said in one of my former lives, we should not fear ‘to sleep, perchance to dream.’ Thank you.” LAUREL: From Geraldine Geraldson of Large Intersection. “To all our mothers, the loins of whom we are the fruits. Bravo, selfless rearers!” DART: From the Rev. Marden Hibachi of Greater Lake Episcopal Church. “The Greater Lake Episcopal Church illuminated reader board is the sole property of Greater Lake Episcopal Church, and is reserved for messages the Church and its parishioners deem appropriate. If you are responsible for rearranging the letters of our scriptural quotes into blasphemies, all I can say is your eternal reward awaits. That is the word of God you are desecrating. For the record, the quote is lamb of God, you take away the sins of the world, not yo slam-doG, eat yak in the wet wolf dress.” LAUREL: From Meghan Loos of Bracken Spring. “I just want to say thanks to the Onteo Lake Massage Academy, especially a certain pair of strong warm hands, you know whose you are, for ‘rubbing my troubles away’! My ‘troubles’ aren’t quite totally away yet but I finally felt good enough to hire a lawyer. When everything’s final, I’ll be back for more of your ‘healing touch’!” LAUREL: From Brant Patch of Nestor. “I bow down to the masters of rock, Irate Expectations, for kicking my butt all over the Stomper Room Friday night! All hail the mind-blowing lords of the decibel! May you open many more cans of whup-ass for many weekends to come! Also, everybody come hear my band Stab, at Currents this Saturday, no cover with a two-drink minimum!” DART: From Gwen Hocker of Quarry. “To my kids, for being such stupid brats at my sister’s wedding, and to their father Al, for getting loaded and groping our new stepniece. Congratulations Nell and Gary, and I hope you know what you’re doing.” DART: From Martin Shuffleboard of New Belgium. “To myself, for all the things I said at Town Council last Monday. Certain Council members took my statements the wrong way. I did not mean to suggest that those who favor widening Reece Road and Highway 41 actually were Marauding Crypto-Fascist Nazi Overlords, only that they ought to keep their snouts in their own damn crotches. Also, I will not really set anyone on fire, even if they ask to use my phone.” DART: From Annelise Gomber of Frankly. “Whoever smeared tomato sauce all over the joystick of the Hong Kong Rumble machine at Peak’s Pizza, I hope you choke and die. I was almost to Dragon Level when my hand stuck.” LAUREL: From Carl Poker of Smiddy. “Let us express our gratitude to that everlasting source of heat and light, the sun! This has been such a lovely week in Lake County! Oh, life-giver, cast your warming rays upon us! Join me in praising also Lake Onteo’s shimmering waters, the cleansing winds that doth blow, and the lush forests that give us air to breathe!” DART: From Dirk Mark of Chipton. “To the publication in which this column regularly appears, for editing, abbreviating, trimming, compressing, and removing all traces of evidence of my personality from, my occasional (even regular and perhaps frequent) epistles, memos, notes, and so on, all without my prior consent, go-ahead or permission, and while not even getting around to notify me that you are doing it! I do not know nor can even surmise what the reason is that you would alter my writings from their original form, but these aforementioned editorial shenanigans turn my face, neck, forehead, and upper arms the color red! I demand your immediate stoppage right at this point in time!” c2001 by J. Robert Lennon.